Bye-Bye Miss Independent
Independence is something that was frequently espoused in my home. My mom wanted to make sure I would be self-sufficient, that I could handle business on my own in other words be independent. I think this message has derailed a lot of relationships even though it is well intentioned. Before my husband and I married we had some really good pre-martial counseling from the folks over at OCBF. They had us fill out a book that had different scenarios in it separately, we came back to class the next week and we exchanged books our answers were completely different. My results in particular presented a need to be in charge and need to feel in control and to drive the results of those scenarios. My husbands were the same the only problem according to our counselor I was out of ORDER. (Ok at this point I’m about ready to chunk the deuce and say we need to find somebody else). The whole independent movement would have broken our marriage apart before we even started AND it ever nearly did during our dating stages.
Men need to feel needed period. They are a lot more vulnerable and sensitive than they or we believe them to be. My husband’s favorite saying is “you have to let a man be a man”. It took me two and half years into our relationship to fully understand what he meant. There are still times when it is difficult for me to let go and let him handle a situation especially when I would do it differently. There have been many times when I have almost bit my tongue in two to keep my opinions or criticisms to myself. However, the times that I completely let go and trust him even when it does not turn out the way we expect, the road to correcting our mistake is a lot easier without a tug-of-war.
Placing your trust in an individual is beyond terrifying. Too often we are willing to trust an individual with our bodies but not with our emotions or place confidence in their ability to take care of us. This is a mistake. If you don’t trust the individual you are with to provide for you and be able to hold it down then you are wasting your time and his.
Miss independent went out the window during our counseling sessions. I wanted to be taken care of but was afraid of admitting that I needed someone, afraid to place complete trust in my soon to be husband. I was faced with the choice of keeping a defense wall and losing a man that I know loves me and I love. After our counseling was over there was a huge change in our relationship. I let go and I gave in. I trust my husband I don’t agree with every decision he makes but I trust that he has OUR best interest at heart. He trusts me enough to talk about every decision prior to making that final decision he listens to my suggestions. So when something does not turn as we expected it was our decision not his or mine, but ours.
There are definite benefits to letting Miss independent go you are no longer alone in making decision, I hate paying bills my husband takes care of most of that, he is open with the accounts I don’t have to worry about him tricking off our money, and he makes sure that I am safe secure and will be taken care of in the event that anything should happen to him.
I wish I could have come across this post when I got married. I pretty much was the boss and everybody knew it. It was crazy...it was OUT OF ORDER...we had a tug of war with who wore the pants. Lots and Lots of confusion lead to an unstable relationship that didn't last.
Now Miss independent is tired and is ready to be Mrs. Submissive!
Go.
This is REAL talk.
I am going to have to link to this post when I get around to it.
I endorse this post!
Ash, marriage is tricky and a lot harder than people let you know in the beginning. There are so many posts to write about I hope to get the B-side up to Miss Independent tongiht that looks at it from kinda a males perspective. Oh and btw you got it going on I am sure that Mrs. title is going to be rolling back your way pretty soon.
@Kofi thanks for the linkage, come back later tonight and give me your opinion about the B-side it is going to focus on are black women being forced into the Miss independent role.
Man this is my first time here and I love this post.
I don't think the key is so much of letting go of Miss Independent as it is finding a man that you feel comfortable being dependent on.
That was something I learned in my first (and only) marriage. I tried to trust my husband and he wasn't really ready for what that meant. he still wanted me to be Mrs. Independent and I wanted him to take care. He let me handle all the stuff. And the stuff he handled he never was on top of and I still had to get involved. Eventually I grew to resent him and so went US.
I spent so much time out in the world making decisions etc I just wanted my man to take the lead.
I still feel that way. The men that attract me are men who make decisions for us, and are thoughtful enough to encourage my input when they feel its needed.
GREAT POST!!
I'll be back.
-OG
@ OG
"I don't think the key is so much of letting go of Miss Independent as it is finding a man that you feel comfortable being dependent on."
You are right and this is what I hope I examined on the flip side of Miss Independent. Thanks for stopping by, make yourself at home.
I came back through - I have been encouraging my people to show up here and make sure to read your whole post.
Relationships are what is on people's mind this time of year.
Kristin, fantastic article.
I think it's hard for most women to let go of some their independence, let their guard down and finally trust the man they love.
In my opinion, it takes two independent people to make a relationship work. At some point, they must come to a compromise in their relationship and have a balance (i.e. money, decisions, etc.).
Ginn, compromise is the key! Knowing when to be assertive and when to back down is a delicate balancing act. Sometimes I get it right other times I don't.
So I JUST posted about this very topic, and its funny that I even ran across this blog...I goggle image searched "black love" for my next post and saw your blog and wow, God isn't so mysterious is He. I'm officially in love with your blog!!! I have a whole year to catch up on though LOL
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