If you begin a relationship popping bottles and trickin off gifts what women are you exactly expecting to attract. Is it then the gold diggers fault for being attracted to the colorfool (spelling intentional) peacock or the peacock’s fault for flashing his tail feather. I never understood the let me buy you a drink at a bar and I just met you 2 seconds ago, then getting a ‘tude when the chick walks off. I am a firm believer in you get back what you put out. So men that are tired of gold diggers stop flashing your wallet trying to shore up play. I was watching some nonsense on television about gold diggers and hip- hop and as usual the gold diggers were portrayed as carrion ready to swoop down and consume on a dead carcass. Do men really have the right to feel used when they get juiced especially when some of them are in an “it ani’t trickin if you got it” mentality?
Expectations, expectations, expectations. I cannot stress this word enough. During our pre-marital counseling sessions our counselors said we should each write down our expectations for each other. The next week when we came back and exchanged books I looked at my then fiancé and said to myself who does he think he’s marrying. The reverse was true for me when he read my expectations of him. Our counselors had us discuss our results then come to shared and agreed expectations for each other. Knowing what you expect from each other prior to marrying or committing will help you through some rough times. Are your expectations reasonable or even feasible?
Why do we Shack? I lived with my now husband for almost a year before we made our trip down the aisle. One of the main reason we moved in together were financial. We paid cash for our wedding and living in separate apartments, plus bills at two separate places was not going to help pay for our wedding, so we moved in together. A decision that neither of us would be willing to repeat. That time of living together was one of the most trying times in our relationship. We were engaged at the time but we were still two very separate individuals playing married without the spiritual commitment.
USA Today reports that according to the U.S. Census Bureau 6.4 million in 2007, now make up almost 10% of all opposite-sex U.S. unmarried couples. 8.6% of cohabiting couples were both black. The increase in numbers of people living together has not neccessarily correlated to an increased marriages. Why are couples living together for years yet refused to take the final step to marriage.
It would appear that if the 8.6 % of Black couples living together were to commit to marriage then it would significantly decrease the number of unmarried Black women. Women who truly want more from the person they are living with in the form of marriage and all the legal benefits should demand nothing less than marriage. (This does not count the women that prefer living together to marriage).
Another favorite saying of my husband's "A man is only going to do what you allow them to do." If marriage is what you desire demand it if the guy leaves then you dodge a bullet be thankful.
So what keeps shacking couples from marrying?
Siditty, always writes provoking posts, this is one that concerns Black People's partonage or the lack of Black Businesses. I had already decided to start a new series titled Fly Girl were I post my reviews about black owned products, goods and services, Siditty's post ties in well with my desire to promote Black businesses. I previously wrote about a company called Toombas, an excellent product, check out the post if you need a reminder.
I am an earring FANATIC, I Love earrings. I purchased three sets of thread earrings at Aziza Beauty Supply
I ordered my earrings on Sunday received them thru USPS standard shipping on Wednesday. I received update emails from the time I ordered my product until the moment they shipped. I also received a thank you note for my business. If you would like to purchase your own thread earrings check the link above, or you can find Aziza Beauty Supply on facebook, or by phone: 1-866-648-7577. Aziza Beauty Supply also offers more than accessories, they also have hair products. So if you are in need of some products please give this lady a try and let me know about your experience with Aziza Beauty Supply.
I was a size 6 forever until I got married (almost 4 years ago). Over a four year period I have packed on twenty pounds. For the first two years of marriage I increased to a size 8. Size 8 lasted for two years and for the last year and a half I have ballooned to a size TEN. Not the business, AT ALL!
How did I go from the above to the below simple:
I started letting everything else take greater precedence in my life instead of me. I work full time and I have a part time hustle twice a week, and I am a part time grad student with class twice a week. So one day out of the week I can come straight home and chill. So sometimes I can workout three times a week but most times I only get in one day a week of running. I HAVE to make time, stress levels at work have skyrocketed within the last weeks and something has got to give. So instead of coming home and relaxing and just getting off my feet I am going to dedicate that hour to working out 4 times a week.
You can watch my weight loss progress at Dallas South which begins this week so check Dallas South often for updates. Jason Johnson of jmjfitness has agreed to help me with my goal of reaching 145-148lbs and getting well on my way to running the White Rock Lake half-Marathon at the end of the year. Jason has an online weight loss program as well so for anyone that does not live in the DFW area you can still benefit from his expertise.
Wish me LUCK!
Librocrat asked the question:
“As a follow up question, though, I would ask why more non-college educated white women are married than black women"
In an attempt to answer her question I found several journal articles with various theories and hypothesis but I used one in particular to answer her question.
This number comes down to sheer numbers. The decline of married Black women has been accompanied by the “substantial” increase rates in interracial marriage; particularly among Black men and non-Black women (Crowder & Tolnay, 2000).
Some interseting facts from the study performed by Crowder and Tolnay :
Black men married to non-Black women:
1) Make $1,400 per year more than BM married to BW & $9,000 more than singal BM
2) ½ year advantage in years of education
3) 3 points higher in terms of occupational prestige
More possible explanations for decline in BW marriage rates:
1) Sex ration imbalances
2) Incarceration of men
3) High unemployment rates
Overall shortage of economically attaractive Black marriage partners affect BW marriage rates.Interracial marriage to a greater extent than intraracial marriage may deplete the pool of economically attaractive BM.
Crowder, K.D., Tolnay, S..E. (2000) A new marriage squeeze for black women: The role of racial intermarrige by black men. Journal of Marriage & Family, 62(3), 792-807.
There may be a couple of reasons for this I hope to present a couple of rationales and get you all to provide some feedback.
It has been my experience that a high number of white women go to college with the expressed desire of finding a potential mate. I receive a quarterly magazine from my College and I find it interesting that so many of the White people eventually married other classmates, even if years had lapsed after graduation. Only one Black woman married another college classmate from my College. One. I think White people realize early that this is a prime time to find a mate even if they are not ready for the final commitment. Black people are too busy wild n’out during college to understand that this is a peak time to begin looking for a mate. College is a time and a place where you are meeting likeminded people with some of the same goals and aspirations as yourself. It becomes exceedingly harder to find a mate when you are not surrounded with people on a daily basis with the same interests and ambitions.
Most of the women I know found their mates while they were still in college. There was an average of 3 to four years after graduation before the couples were married. The important factor being that the women found their mates in an atmosphere that was smaller and more condensed (a college campus) without the extra added competition from a larger pool of women.
So for women looking for marriage starting early doesn’t hurt your challenges. For women who are out of college joining clubs with specific interests e.g. medical professionals, Black teachers associations are possible starts for pursuing relationships with people who have the same interests as you.
I have the whole week off and I decided to redecorate the guest bathroom. After the paint job a while back I didn’t do anything as far as accessories. The first couple of picks are the before pics.
The next two pics are of the materials I bought to use. The first set came from IKEA and the other stuff came from Wal-Mart.
The last pics are of the finish product. There are some items that were not included in the materials pics and those were items I already had in the house. I really wish the colors would show up better than they are (The lighting is off). The paint on the wall is the color of the inside of a cucumber.
Yeah I had my first person to respond to my Love and Relationship email request (ya'll don't let her be the ONLY one). Here is her story, enjoy.
February, the month we set aside to openly celebrate love. Ironically enough I met my true love 19 years ago this month. We have celebrated 14 years of marriage and to this day I can't imagine loving anyone else. There have been moments of tremendous happiness and yes, moments of anger and sadness. We have to daily remember to choose love over judgement, forgiveness over blame, and patience over hastiness. There are days we get it all wrong but I thank God that we give each other another day to get it right. I have found that when I show love even in the midst of pain I eventually find joy. Love truly is the key that unlocks true happiness. Don't be afraid to show it this month and all through the year.
Thanks for writing Anon I am sure your story resonates with a lot of people.
I love this couple! They are the real life Cliff and Clara Huxtable (only betta). The couple surprised a DC charter school yesterday for story time. Needless to say the kids were ecstatic with the President and First Lady’s visit. The reason why I love this couple first they are black. There are not enough black couples in the spot light that exhibit the kind of unabashed love for one another that these two have. I enjoy watching every huge, kiss, light touch on the back I LOVE IT, I say. My husband and I have become a Barack and Michelle magazine junkies anything with the two of them on it we buy and store it with our ever growing collection of Obama gear. Ok back to why I love the Obama’s; I am hoping that there will be an Obama effect on relationships. I am hoping the Obama’s can do what Will Smith, Grant Hill and other really great men that love their wives have been unable to do, and that is bring marriage to the forefront in the black community. For America I am hoping they bring what a healthy marriage looks like to the forefront. Now before someone says how can I know their marriage is healthy? I don’t but it appears that way. I also believe their marriage is a happy one because I look at Michelle I don’t know many black women that can fake it that well. If there is a problem it usually shows in body language or facial expressions I don’t see that with her, so I take it Barack is doing something right. Here’s to hoping they continue to have a happy and blessed marriage.
Photo courtesy of Bossip .
This is the flip side to Miss Independent if you have not read it then I suggest you start here first.
The Miss Independent role has been embraced by many women but I wonder are women being forced into this role. Video after video after video(this song will be revisited on a later post) by men are saying they want an independent woman. The messages are mixed. Black women and other women of color are often forced into independent roles due to lack of male leadership. Some men are looking for a caretaker and a woman that is finically independent so that they don’t have to come out of their pocket. Materialism is eating away at the fabric of all American lives. A lot of relationships are being reduced to what can you do for me. Not pointing fingers but when you have pervasive messages coming from the male population that they want an Independent Woman can you really blame women for trying to give you what you are loudly asking for in public.
There is a lot of history behind the Independent Woman movement history that I share with a lot of women. Many of our fathers were absent or not the best role models. As much as I love my grandfather he did not always take care of business and that forced my grandmother into grind mode which she passed along. Grinding is what women are used to doing to keep their families together. If men want a soft and cuddly woman then it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. I say money because money is part of what it takes for women to feel secure another part is grind. Does a man have enough grind in him to constantly be on his hustle? It does not take a lot of money (because most of us are self-sufficient) but it takes an attitude I’m willing to do (within the legal realm) whatever it takes to make this work. There are many women that are waiting to switch roles but they have to have that man that inspires trust and stability.
So Kofi you co-signed on the previous post where you at on this one?
Independence is something that was frequently espoused in my home. My mom wanted to make sure I would be self-sufficient, that I could handle business on my own in other words be independent. I think this message has derailed a lot of relationships even though it is well intentioned. Before my husband and I married we had some really good pre-martial counseling from the folks over at OCBF. They had us fill out a book that had different scenarios in it separately, we came back to class the next week and we exchanged books our answers were completely different. My results in particular presented a need to be in charge and need to feel in control and to drive the results of those scenarios. My husbands were the same the only problem according to our counselor I was out of ORDER. (Ok at this point I’m about ready to chunk the deuce and say we need to find somebody else). The whole independent movement would have broken our marriage apart before we even started AND it ever nearly did during our dating stages.
Men need to feel needed period. They are a lot more vulnerable and sensitive than they or we believe them to be. My husband’s favorite saying is “you have to let a man be a man”. It took me two and half years into our relationship to fully understand what he meant. There are still times when it is difficult for me to let go and let him handle a situation especially when I would do it differently. There have been many times when I have almost bit my tongue in two to keep my opinions or criticisms to myself. However, the times that I completely let go and trust him even when it does not turn out the way we expect, the road to correcting our mistake is a lot easier without a tug-of-war.
Placing your trust in an individual is beyond terrifying. Too often we are willing to trust an individual with our bodies but not with our emotions or place confidence in their ability to take care of us. This is a mistake. If you don’t trust the individual you are with to provide for you and be able to hold it down then you are wasting your time and his.
Miss independent went out the window during our counseling sessions. I wanted to be taken care of but was afraid of admitting that I needed someone, afraid to place complete trust in my soon to be husband. I was faced with the choice of keeping a defense wall and losing a man that I know loves me and I love. After our counseling was over there was a huge change in our relationship. I let go and I gave in. I trust my husband I don’t agree with every decision he makes but I trust that he has OUR best interest at heart. He trusts me enough to talk about every decision prior to making that final decision he listens to my suggestions. So when something does not turn as we expected it was our decision not his or mine, but ours.
There are definite benefits to letting Miss independent go you are no longer alone in making decision, I hate paying bills my husband takes care of most of that, he is open with the accounts I don’t have to worry about him tricking off our money, and he makes sure that I am safe secure and will be taken care of in the event that anything should happen to him.
Sex and intimacy are often elements that are skipped over in many Black households. I never had the talk with my mother which has it pluses and minuses. On the plus side I did not have to endure an awkward sit down talk like I did when I started my period. On the minus side friends, books, and television filled in a lot of missing information but not all information is good or even educational.
Sex and intimacy are topics that should first be broached in the home. Open discussion of the differences between the two is critical to shaping the ideas and views of the inexperienced in their relationships. Everyone is inundated with images of sex from television, print adds to product consumerisms. Yet hardly was the topics of sex broached other than to have my mom say I’m not raising any babies. The mechanics of sex were ever present but the actual emotional attachment (especially for women) was missing in all the advertisement. Sex has become so mechanical or robotic the world does not present it as the ultimate emotional connection that it was intended to be.
Casual sexual encounters have replaced intimacy. Parents and families should teach their children early that intimacy does not begin with sex but begins with a touch a look or even a word. I share an intimacy with my husband that I still marvel at it makes our relationship all the more deeper and sincere. Neither of us had the best role models for marriage but we work on making it better than our parents had.
Sex needs to be discussed. Parents need to be strong and forth coming and open to questions. Parents of young girls should teach them early that sex should not be used as a way to gain affection. Young men should also be taught respect for women at an early age and that sex should be discriminatory and not a contest of conquests. The strained relationships and hardships that some people suffer in their adult years are in direct consequences to their misunderstanding and misuse of sex versus learning the beauty of shared intimacy.
Intimacy for our relationships begins in the morning every morning whoever leaves for work kisses the other good-bye. During bad weather my husband calls to make sure I have made it safely even on the really bad days he drives me to work. We will find a note or cards over the house in each other’s cars slipped in each other’s lunch boxes when we need it most. Holding hands, relaxing on the couch together, sharing a laugh or brightening the others day is what strengthens our bond; especially during those you get on my nerves moments. The greatest intimacy I share with my husband comes from waking up on Saturday morning with him by my side and playing catch-up conversation.
Yeah February finally! I am looking forward to the topics of love and relationships this month. I have said before black love is often hidden from the mainstream while, the ignorant thug loving ideal is rampant across mainstream. Real love is present and I want to talk about what works what does not and why thug love (that just sounds ridiculous) is perceived as the prevalent type of relationships of in the black community (thanks BET). I will also discuss images of black couples/relationships in the media and the message they represent. I really want to focus on how to make relationships better and talk about some of the problems while trying to discuss possible solutions. I will be adding a wall of Fabulous couples and (hopefully I can convince Mr. Man to let me post his pic) along with some random commentary about how they made the cut.
I hope to have a post up by the end of the day but it is Super Bowl Sunday so that may or may not happen. Stay tuned.
My Blog List
- It’s Still Trickin if You Got It.
- That Thing
- Shacking, why do we do it?
- Fly Girl: Thread Earrings
- Off Topic: After the Show its the After Party- Get...
- Happy Faux Holiday!
- Why are more White Women Married than Black Women ...
- Why are more White Women Married than Black Women?...
- Off Topic: Bathroom Redecoration
- Anonymous shares her story.
- Barack and Michelle Obama
- The Flip Side of Miss Independent
- Bye-Bye Miss Independent
- Sex vs. Intimacy
- Black Love and Relationships in the Month February...
- ▼ February (16)